In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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