The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
