During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
