Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
