Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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