sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex