I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
