Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
