Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So vagazzling was a success
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
