sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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