Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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