dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
How external is "for external use only"?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
