I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
