Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
