dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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