On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
