I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
At least life still wants to fuck me.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
