What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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