One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
