we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
