I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
