remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
