yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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