my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
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I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
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I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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