I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
