She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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