Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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