Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
