i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
