I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
