sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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