I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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