so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
