i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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