Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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