Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
