You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
