remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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