i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
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After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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