I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
