During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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