Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
