You smell like stripper and shame
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
