My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
