Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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