Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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