I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
