Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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