There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
