I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
