Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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