Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
