What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
