At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Drake has all the answers
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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