Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
