My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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