I'm eating all of the evidence.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
