I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
