My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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